I hadnt intended on writing another blog tonight. But now i feel like i need to put my emotions somehwere, because if i dont they will just sit inside of me and churn. It may be my youth, but I am having a very hard time dealing with the death of my grandparents. My grandfather died about 8 years ago and I always felt like grandpas little girl. I was very close to my grandma as well, though we could butt heads at times, but I loved her so much. She passed away March 1st of this year. And I get by because I forget. I forget that she isnt just as the hospital or at her house.
My cousin made a beautiful picture and some video collage for her funeral. It has some beautiful music to it. I stumbled upon it today and added it to my myspace. I showed it to Aurora and johnny, because I dont want them to forget grandma, aurora was very close to her. I cried, i tried to contain it though because the kids were sitting there as well.
Well I had a comment about it today from a friend, mentioning how beautiful it was, and it truely is. But then i watched it again. I watched it because I wanted to see her face. I wanted to see her youth, her age, her movements in her videos. I just wanted to see her again. Of course it is filled with images of grandpa too. I sobbed..
Have you ever wanted someone back so bad it hurt? What I wouldnt give to lay with my head in her lap again and tell her my troubles while she combs my hair. She took care of me everyday and I tried to return the favor as an adult whenever I could. She was more like a mom than a grandma.
I want to shout from the tops of my lungs. I WANT HER BACK. Yes she lived a long, happy, blessed life. Yet I still feel this gaping hole in me. I cant just call and chat with her like i used to. She isnt here to see aurora chatting up a storm or johnny cruising around. Im so blessed she was able to see them at all.
And then to make matters worse, I keep thinking Oh my lord one day I WILL die.. I have a very big fear of death. I have actually cried when Ive thought about it before. I know as a human it is hard for all of us to deal with our mortality. The idea of just not existing is so scary, so different. And honestly I dont want to die, but then again WHO DOES?
I try to hold strong in my faith, but my new psychobiology class, which i do find ineresting, does seem to push the monism aspect. That there is no soul, that when we die, we are dead and gone. And honestly why should that bother me, but it does. When I die, i hope to see my babies again someday far far away.
My youth is getting the best of me, right now I havent lived that long of a life. But I did ask my grandma about a year ago...I told her I was scared of death, but she seemed okay with it. She said she had lived her life. Someday I know, i hope, i will reach that point.......
Someday I hope to see my grandma again, though biblicaly speaking I dont think we will recognize each other but be united in a praising of the Lord.
Thanks for listening to my blubbering.. I sound like a silly child I know..But right now I really feel like one too...
and if you havent seen it, here is the video
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