Its so final

So today was the funeral. Well we didnt have anyone to watch the kiddos...everyone we knew was going and we really arnt keen on leaving our kids with non family members, especially since johnny is a screamer on occasions... And i am breastfeeding and though i dont mind him having a bottle of formula once in a blue moon.. i prefer him not to.

Well we get ready to go. I didnt have anything black for the kids to wear and while i thought about going out to buy them something, i decided against it. So Aurora wore a black, pink, and white dress...Johnny wore a blue onsie with matching overalls..though he was in my black moby wrap the entire time. We get there..its the viewing, my mother stays outside with aurora because i was adamant she NOT see grandma in the coffin, She knows who grandma is and loves her very much and she just wouldnt understand. So John and i and johnny, who was sleeping in the wrap. Went in. Grandma didnt look like herself. Wasnt wearing her glasses, was wearing very heavy make up.. but then i gues you would have to, she was very bruised on her hands from all the iv's.. and even some bruising from when they did the ventilator.

Well then we went back out. John got his stuff for being a pall bearer.. gloves and a carnation. Then the casket was closed and we went in. Johnny, John, and I sat up front with my father. While aurora sat in the back with my mom. That way she really didnt see too much of what was going on as well as me crying, which i knew would upset her. My mother kept her occupied the entire time and she did great. Johnny slept the entire time. They did the service, my cousin did. and it was very good. Then they played some music and then they did a video my cousin had put together.

Once she makes me a copy i will share it. But man thats when i lost it.. I was bawling, even thinkign about it makes me want to cry. Just pictures and video of my grandma..My dad lost it when he saw a pic of his mom and dad and him as a boy..and up until this point dad hadnt cried yet. It was very hard for me to see my strong father that way and made me cry even harder. So then a pic flashed of grandma holding my newborn baby aurora.. and omg.. I just broke out in sobbs... i couldnt take it..SHES GONE...Aurora will never see her again, never actually remember her without our help.

Then that ended and everyone was able to go up to the closed coffin and say their final respects.. And i just laid my hand on it and cried, sobbed... I want her BACK! We went to the grave site and i had to breastfeed johnny, but by now im pretty descrete about it. Kissed a rose and laid it on her coffin.. and said my final goodbye.. Its so real, so final.

Went to grandmas and visited with all the family, took the mind off of the pain. Well thats all i can say for now.. Johnny needs his bath..its bedtime.