March 1, 2009

Holding johnny




Feeding aurora as a baby

Grandma and aunt susan

My grandma

Ive been out of it lately..and i havent updated blogger at all.

Last night, my grandma passed away. The pneumonia made her too weak. As some of you may have read in earlier blogs, grandma broke her hip and then was in a convalescent hospital. Then she came home for one day, the only place she wanted to be.. Her bp was very low, she had signs of possible pneumonia, and her legs had been swollen for quite some time. My aunt took her in the next day and grandma was readmitted into the hospital, with the signs of a possible heart attack and pneumonia.

The heart attack was confirmed by blood tests and the pneumonia was as well. They began to treat it, but as time went by it worsened. Grandma could no longer breathe on her own and they ventilated her. She was on a ventilator for a few days.. Once taken off of it she said it had been torture. Though she could barely talk at this point. She worsened as she couldnt sustain healthy breathing. The doctors informed us that if she were to be put on the ventilator again it would most likely be for the duration of her life. And they emphasized how grandma already had terminal cancer. My aunt asked grandma if she wanted to have the tubes put back in, because that was the only way should could survive. I was there and we all cried when she shook her head no... She didnt want that, and personally i can understand why, she looked so miserable on it..She couldnt talk, she cant see because of her cataracts, the cancer had taken away her ability to eat, and breaking her hip took away the ability to walk. Its like my aunt said..it was a slow chisseling away of all the things grandma loved. All the things we take for granted.

We all tried to visit her multiple times of the day. Though with two kids its been a struggle.. sadly aurora and johnny were not allowed to visit her..Nor do i want aurora to remember her great grandmother that way. I stayed at the hospital the night she passed. I was there for roughly six hours with two of my cousins and my aunt. We took turns periodically in the waiting room and with grandma. By this point grandma had been laboring to breath for almost a day and a half now. She didnt seem aware of anyone's presence and they were keeping her comfortable.

At one am i made the decision to go home. My breasts were beginning to hurt and i had missed two feedings with the baby. Grandmas vitals had actually gotten a bit better and i lived with the delusion that maybe she could beat this. This morning i called my aunt to check on grandmas condition. She passed away at around 3am. I am so thankful that she was there to hold grandmas hand, i didnt want her to die alone.

My grandma has always been a large part of my life. She took care of me as a child while my father worked. She changed my diapers as a baby, potty trained me, took me to and from school. Took me to the doctors.. She was there for a few of my prenatal appointments when i was pregnant with Aurora. She was always telling me how beautiful my children are.. and she loved them so much. It hurts to know that Aurora wont actually remember anything, but I wont let her memory of her die with her. Aurora will know the wonderful woman that my grandma was. At times she may have seemed hard headed or stubborn, but so am i and i wouldnt have had her any other way.

At least now she is no longer struggling to breathe and she has gone to heaven. To be with the love of her life and husband for over 50 years... and GOD..

Now the tears have begun to fall... I cant believe she is gone, no more kissing her cheek, no more talking about random things to her, no stories, no.. i wont think this way.. its better not to.. Instead i will share pictures of her with you. She was a month shy of her 88th birthday.